Overscheduled Children: How Big a Problem?
Published: October 11, 2013
“Spend time with no goal in mind,” he said. “That will communicate to your child that you love them. And if a child feels loved, life can present them with hardships, but these setbacks will never defeat them.”
The antidote to that problem, he said, is to make sure children have enough time with no activities, parents have enough time with no work and the two sides come together to create activities of their own.
Suniya Luthar, a psychology professor at Columbia, has done extensive studies on the role of extracurricular activities in children’s lives. She stressed that the number of activities is not the problem.
“It’s good for kids to be scheduled,” she said. “It’s good for them to have musical activities, sports or other things organized and supervised by an adult.”
Her research has shown that advantages include having well-rounded experiences outside of academics, the opportunities to hone skills and working together with other children. And, since most school districts fail to provide adequate after-school programs, she said, “there’s the big deal of giving parents a break.”
Problems arise, Dr. Luthar said, when parents overscrutinize their children’s performance in these activities.
“You don’t just play soccer for fun or play stickball in the cul-de-sac, you’re vying for the travel team by second grade,” she said. “The only place where I say stop is where the child starts to say his or her performance determines his or her self-worth: I am as I can perform.”
Polly Young-Eisendrath, a clinical psychologist and the author of “The Self-Esteem Trap,” was the one person I talked to who argued that too many activities may be a problem. She blamed a generation of parents who are too interested in the lives of their children, hanging on every word, coddling every need, communicating that parents are just audience members for their children’s accomplishments.
Before age 11 or 12, she said, when children begin to develop self-consciousness, activities risk distracting children from their natural development.
“Prior to then,” Dr. Young-Eisendrath said, “all these lessons and classes are about parents competing with other parents. Children really need that time to lie around, play more freely and have periods when they are side-by-side with their parents in the same room, being ‘alone together.’ ”
In the past, this was more possible, she said, “not just because there was a parent staying at home but because parents didn’t have this obsessive interest in children’s lives.”
Considering the differing views of the people I called, I was struck that at least one common theme emerged: I should worry less about the amount of time my children spent on activities and more about the messages I sent about those activities. So how do parents make sure they don’t cross the line?
First, know where the motivation is coming from, you or your child.
“Are you hearing laughter?” Dr. Thompson said. “Is the child giggling when you drop them off or pick them up? Or are they solemn and dragging their feet?”
Second, watch what you say. Dr. Luthar said parents should be in touch with their own feelings to ensure they are not communicating that exemplary performance is the only goal that matters. She warned against statements like, “Oops, you’re not starting again?” or “Oh, dear, you’re not chosen for all-county?”
“And if you’re having trouble identifying this tendency in yourself,” she said, “ask your spouse, your sibling or anybody you trust.”
Regardless of how many activities you schedule for your children, make sure you schedule time for yourself to be with them.
Dr. Rosenfeld said, “Your kids need to feel there is enough time when the computer is off, the cellphone is off and all you want to do is be together.”
It’s not just quality time, he said, it’s quantity, too.
“I always quote the Billy Joel song,” he said:No need for clever conversation, I’ll take you just the way you are.
By: New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/13/fashion/over-scheduled-children-how-big-a-problem.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0&adxnnl=1&ref=education&adxnnlx=1381967018-NhCFk%20Yro8tmyp80UwEaPg